Consent Isn't Up For Debate: Here's Why
Consent is one of those words that are always said, but rarely understood. You have likely heard the word consent one or ten times. If not, you have more than likely heard a debate on what constituents consent whether you knew it or not. Think Robin Thicke’s song “Blurred Lines” or live coverage from the #MeTooMovement. Unfortunately, as you may have guessed, most of the debates on the meaning of consent are consequences of violence against another person, with violence against women and children being at the heart of a majority of these debates.
But consent doesn’t always have to be associated with heavy topics. In fact, we should be consenting to every single part of our lives—from what we buy at the grocery store to what medications we take. Everyone should understand what consent means.
““The ability to consent is a basic human right, a right that is too often disputed or just not understood. As consent impacts every facet of our lives, challenge yourself this month to a bit of self-reflection. See if you can recognize the FRIES of consent in your everyday life. You may come to find that you’ve been unintentionally agreeing without consenting.””
So, What is Consent?
The most basic meaning of consent is “when a person grants permission to an action or decision.” Yet, this exact meaning is at the root of the controversy because it leaves room for interpretation when there should not be. This meaning is void of explaining what consent looks like. Without providing that imagery, consent could mean something different to each person or thing, and this is where problems arise.
So, what’s a better definition of consent? Try a string of words, instead: freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, AND specific, otherwise known as FRIES. The acronym FRIES was popularized by Planned Parenthood and is mostly used to explain sexual consent. However, this meaning can just as well explain consent as a whole.
Image: Planned Parenthood
Here’s what FRIES means exactly:
Freely Given - A person’s consent must be freely given, meaning a response and/or decision must be made without force, pressure, coercion, manipulation, threats, or bribery.
Reversible - Consent is reversible, meaning a person can change their mind at any point, even if in the middle of an action involving other people or alone.
Informed - A person can only consent to what they know, meaning each person should be made explicitly aware of any action and/or decision immediately to come, as well as other factors that impact the decision.
Enthusiastic - Consent should be given excitedly or happily for sexual consent and—at the very least—surely given for nonsexual consent.
Specific - Similar to informed, a person should know in detail what they are consenting to in the immediate moment, not the future.
In short, consent means excitedly saying yes to something after being well-informed, but knowing that a ‘yes’ can be changed to a ‘no’ or ‘maybe’ at any time. For example, you are asked to go the movies and you agree to see the new Spiderman movie. When you get there, everyone immediately sits in the front row, but you don’t want, for any reason. Your group says, “But you agreed to come to the movies!” You did agree to agree to see the new Spiderman movie in the theaters, but you’ve only agreed to see that movie because that’s all you’ve discussed. You have not yet consented to anything aside from seeing that movie, including seating arrangements. Conversations may be awkward, but communication is needed for any activity to ensure everyone involved has consented.
It is also important to note that consent should also be verbally given. This is because body language is often the loudest speaker who is still ignored or misunderstood. Relying on body language widens the door for debates on whether or not a person actually consented. These arguments are seen most in the heated discussions on sexual assault.
While exact definitions vary from state to state, sexual assault includes any sexual activity performed without consent.
What is Sexual Consent?
First, what is sexual consent? Sexual consent is an important part of healthy sexual relationships. It is defined as the “voluntary agreement between two people to engage in sexual activity.” In terms of FRIES sexual consent is:
Freely Given - Each individual is participating in the sexual activity without verbal or physical force, manipulation (including lies or omissions of the truth), and any other form of pressure.
Reversible - Sexual consent must be present throughout the entire sexual encounter, from beginning to end. A person can decide not to continue with the sexual activity at any point, including if another party is close to climax.
Informed - Each individual should know what activities they are agreeing to and who they are agreeing to do it with, each and every single time. This includes being aware of STI status as needed or legally required. Additionally, each individual must be at their state’s legal age of sexual consent to be considered informed.
Enthusiastic - Sexual consent should be given very eagerly, and again, a verbal “YES!” is preferred to reduce relying on body language that can easily be misconstrued.
Specific - Each individual agrees to each sexual act as it occurs or prior. For example, a person agrees to meet their partner for a makeout session. If the partner later wants to have sex, the person should be asked and given time to consent before moving forward. Sexual consent does not mean going with the flow, unless previously agreed to (and again, this agreement can be revoked by any party at any time).
Sexual activities are often heat of the moment impulses. However, that never means you or anyone else has the right to act without getting consent. Another way to understand consensual sex or other activities is thinking in terms of drinking tea:
If someone told you they do not like tea, would you force them to drink it?
If someone told you they only liked black tea, would you repeatedly insist they try an herbal tea?
Would you pour tea down the throat of a sleeping person?
Chances are you answered ‘no’ to each of these questions. Because sexual consent can be a heavy topic, there is no harm is thinking of consent in lighter terms more applicable to you.
What about Alcohol and Consent?
Alcohol and consent are a similar conversation. Have you ever been to a party and felt forced to drink because everyone around you was? Have you ever had friends say, “You’re getting drunk tonight!” whether you wanted to or not? Our culture—along with many cultures across the world—use alcohol consumption as a way to connect socially, and this fact perpetuates a culture that promotes peer pressure to drink alcohol. If a person only drinks after being heavily persuaded to by the media or even their friends, was the decision freely given? Have they truly consented?
In addition to the peer pressure aspect typically associated with alcohol consumption, the presence of alcohol in one’s bloodstream decreases a person’s ability to consent. Even if not blacked out, alcohol hinders our thinking skills, meaning that a person under the influence may not be as informed as they should be. So again, is possible for a tipsy or drunk person to truly consent to any activity?
Based on FRIES, the answer is no.
The ability to consent is a basic human right, a right that is too often disputed or just not understood. As consent impacts every facet of our lives, challenge yourself this month to a bit of self-reflection. See if you can recognize the FRIES of consent in your everyday life. You may come to find that you’ve been unintentionally agreeing without consenting.
On the other hand, you may also come to realize you participated in pressuring others. When it comes to consent, the golden rule of “do unto others as you wish done to you” doesn’t really apply. Instead, aim to treat others the way they desire to be treated. Doing so will help alleviate forcefulness or pressure upon the other person. Thereby, they are allowed the free will needed to truly consent.