Untamed Book Review
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A Review of Untamed
Author: Glennon Doyle | Pages: 352 | Available here
“You’re not doing life wrong; you’re doing it right. If there’s any secret you’re missing, it’s that doing it right is just really hard. Feeling all your feelings is hard, but that’s what they’re for. Feelings are for feeling. All of them. Even the hard ones. The secret is that you’re doing it right, and that doing it right hurts sometimes.”
A new memoir by Glennon Doyle, the author of Love Warrior, Untamed details her life as she leaves an unhappy marriage to find the love of her life, Abby Wambach. This is the story for all women. For women who are trapped in unhealthy relationships. For women who are continually silenced. For women who yearn to exist, to live fully. Untamed encourages women to break free of the social confinements and live their truest life — a life unburdened by boundaries, cultural conditioning, and expectations. Glennon Doyle encourages us all to let it burn in order to be free.
“When women lose themselves, the world loses its way. We do not need more selfless women. What we need right now is more women who have detoxed themselves so completely from the world’s expectations that they are full of nothing but themselves. What we need are women who are full of themselves. A woman who is full of herself knows and trusts herself enough to say and do what must be done. She lets the rest burn.”
Let It Burn
While there are numerous themes throughout Untamed that women may relate to, no one topic is more deeply felt than the chapter, “Let it Burn.” This chapter is a deep and thoughtful discussion of the oppressive social constructs that society has built for women. Instead of passing down a line of “old memos I’d been issued about how to become a successful woman and build a strong family, career, and faith,” Doyle encourages us to let that go. What may have served the women who came before us may no longer serve us. There is no classic blueprint on how to be as a woman. Instead, we each forge our own path by finding what we need inside ourselves. We need to be full of ourselves to fully understand what it is in life that we need. For too long, women have shrunk into the corners of rooms, afraid to speak up.
In the chapter, “Erikas,” this is the same society, Doyle says, that women oppress themselves. While the patriarchy is often seen as the enemy of women, it is women who hold women to these old beliefs of what a woman should be. Don’t be too loud—men dilike that. Opinionated women are seen as bossy. We are taught by the beauty media that we need to be thin, wrinkle-free, hair-free, and lean and sculpted to be beautiful. The end goal of patriarchy, she says, and the most effective way to control women, is to convince them to control themselves. But instead, we must let it burn.
Be Brave
What does it mean to be brave? Does it mean willpower and determination in the face of uncertainty and fear? Does it mean persevering even when the odds are against you? Is it the deep instinct that takes over when your friends or family are in danger? No, Doyle says, “brave does not mean feeling afraid and doing it anyway.” Instead, it’s looking inside yourself and asking your intuition (or your Knowing, as Glennon refers to it) what the right answer is. What do you feel in that moment? Bravery does not always mean the outward show of courage. Perhaps, being brave means turning away from a crowd. Bravery could show in the face of the teenage girl who doesn’t give in to peer pressure to drink. Bravery means always choosing the answer that you feel is right in your heart. Bravery does not always mean brave. In fact, true bravery may look the exact opposite to everyone else. In the chapter, “Ears,” Glennon shares an experience of taking her girls to get their ears pierced. When Tish decides she doesn’t want to do it, it’s a deep and touching moment between mother and daughter. To be brave is to forsake all others to be true to yourself, Doyle says.
Bravery can be the same for boys. Society teaches boys that masculinity looks like competitiveness, objectifying women, toughness, anger, dominance. Toxic masculinity is refusing to show emotion, kindness, tears, or uncertainty. Is this why feminine qualities are referred to as less? Is this why, for men, it’s considered a bad thing to be gentle and kind? To show emotion? Being brave as a man is refusing to aspire to these qualities — choosing instead to forsake the persona of a “real man” in lieu of what feels true to themselves.
“It’s okay to feel all of the stuff you’re feeling. You’re just becoming human again. You’re not doing life wrong; you’re doing it right. If there’s any secret you’re missing, it’s that doing it right is just really hard. Feeling all your feelings is hard, but that’s what they’re for. Feelings are for feeling. All of them. Even the hard ones. The secret is that you’re doing it right, and that doing it right hurts sometimes.”
The Importance of Embracing Your Feelings
The deepest theme of Untamed is the idea that if we do not honor our feelings, we do not honor ourselves. This is true not just for women, but men, and society at large. We refuse to acknowledge how we feel inside for fear of what others might think. When we don’t address our feelings and sit with our emotions, we choose to take the “easy button” and turn to drugs, food, and unhealthy behaviors. We linger in our fear and indecision and, in the process, make ourselves miserable.
We choose not to express our anger, our outrage, our sadness, because we believe that it might make others uncomfortable and, in turn, make ourselves uncomfortable. We hide behind a mask of happiness to keep up the status quo and keep others out. For women, feelings are seen as weakness. But to embrace the qualities of confidence and stoicism, it makes us appear cold and uncaring. (Anyone remember the hatred Hillary Rodham Clinton received for this in the 2016 Presidential election?)
But honoring our feelings and acting on our true passions and desires is what makes us, ultimately, better humans, better partners, better parents. Don’t hide. Feelings are for feeling.
Conclusion:
Untamed is a must-read for both women and men alike. It is a vivid portrayal of the constructs of society, the roles of men and women within, and how we can break free of these chains. This book is for anyone looking for purpose or inspiration in their life, no matter your age. The short chapters are broken down in a simple, but poignant way and readers will resonate with a variety of themes and stories. We highly recommend this book for your 2020 reading list.