7 Ways To Stop People Pleasing & Set Healthy Boundaries
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You might recognize the common signs of people pleasing: You apologize too often. You can’t say “no” so you find yourself overwhelmed and overburdened by taking on responsibilities that, truthfully, you didn’t want to take on. You’re terrified of someone disliking you. If any of these sound familiar, chances are you’re a people pleaser. While breaking this habit might not happen overnight, we’re sharing seven powerful ways to be confident, set healthy boundaries, and stop being a people pleaser once and for all.
What is a People Pleaser?
Chances are, if you are reading this, you already know. In fact, the actual definition of a people pleaser is in the name itself. As the name so aptly describes, people pleasers are those who have a strong emotional need or urge to please others, even when it means doing—or saying—something that they may not agree with. People pleasers also hate conflict. In fact, they will do just about anything to avoid it, often resulting in situations that damage their mental health and wellbeing. .
As a result of this conflict avoidance and need for approval, people pleasers often attach much of their self-worth or self-esteem on what others think of them. This attachment to external validation can be extremely harmful, eradicating your ability to have self-compassion and/or set boundaries for yourself.
Signs Of a People Pleaser
Still not sure if you might be a people pleaser? Here are a few symptoms that you might be experiencing. If you resonate with many—or all—of these, it might be time to make a change and assert your boundaries.
You are unable to say ‘no’
You hate conflict
You find yourself looking for praise at work or with friends and family
You’ll go along with everyone else in order to not ‘rock the boat’ (even if you don’t want to)
You make time for others, but little time for yourself
You apologize frequently
You apologize when it’s not your fault
You have a strong fear of getting into trouble
It makes you physically uncomfortable if someone disapproves of you (or your actions)
You take on the responsibility of a group project at school/work
How To Stop Being a People Pleaser
So how do you stop being a people pleaser? Once you have recognized the signs, these are some simple steps that you can implement into your daily life to help fight the urge to people please. While taking on all of these tips at once would be a monumental task, starting small and focusing on changing one at a time can help you to succeed.
Start Saying ‘No’
Say it with us: You cannot be everything to everyone. Whether in a work, school, or home environment, constantly putting the needs of others ahead of your own puts your mental health at risk. Steve Jobs famously said, “People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on. But that’s not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are. You have to pick carefully.”
At work, saying ‘no’ can be especially hard. However, working harder does not necessarily mean working smarter. Saying ‘yes’ means working more, with less focus on each individual task. Prioritize what is important to you and cut out the rest.
Try this: Start by saying ‘no’ slowly. Say no to making plans with a friend. Say no to the saleswoman in a department store. As you grow more comfortable, try using it with coworkers.
Know When You are Overextended
This might requite a bit of self-awareness on your part, but lends from our previous point. When you are unable to say ‘no', you load your plate with unnecessary tasks. At work, this might mean being laden with tasks that are not part of your job description. Instead of working towards a goal, you are simply working to please someone.
As you might guess, this is a road to nowhere. Not only that, but being constantly overextended can lead to burnout as you becoming increasing tired of pleasing everyone. Your job performance might slip as your zest for the work decreases. These two points go hand-in-hand. If you are feeling overextended, speak up. Take your power back.
Don’t Give Excuses
One of the biggest ways that people find themselves caught in a people pleasing loop is through a lack of assertiveness. It’s no surprise that women frequently over apologize to avoid uncomfortable situations. While we don’t suggest being rude, being overly polite keeps you trapped in a loop.
Don’t be afraid to state your reasoning for saying no, but keep it short and do not apologize. Being firm, yet courteous tells others that you are confident in your decision. You don’t know how strong you are and you might just find that they are less likely to keep attempting to persuade you.
Try this: Instead of saying, “I’m sorry, but…” try saying, “I cannot right now.”
Create a Mantra for Yourself
Want to prevent yourself from creating a lengthy excuse? Create a mantra. A mantra is an affirmation that keeps you positive and motivated. It can also be a powerful solution to focus your mind when you are feeling stressed.
The key to creating a good mantra is to keep it short and simple. Remind yourself why you are trying to cure your people pleasing syndrome. If you can’t choose just one, keep several around for different situations.
Try this: Write your mantra down and keep it in places that you see often to remind yourself of your intention.
Ask Yourself: Does This Serve Me?
A hallmark of people pleasing can be the validation that one receives from taking on an additional task or getting praise for a job well done. But at what point does that leave you feeling subservient?
Ask yourself: Am I taking on something additional because I want to or because I want the validation? Sure, positive feedback has its rewards, but if you are constantly seeking external approval, you are in danger of being a people pleaser. Flip the switch — instead of looking for the approval of others, notice your own positive attributes and accomplishments.
Detach Yourself from Opinions
We all want to be well-liked and appreciated. This study from 2016, however, suggests that people pleasers may be neurologically hardwired to agree simply to avoid mental stress. People pleasers decline to say no for fear of social disapproval or anger.
However, releasing yourself from this anxiety is a step in how you can learn to let go. Perhaps you have heard the quote from Robin Sharma, “Other people’s opinions of you are none of your business.” You will never be able to please everyone, so living in constant fear of disapproval only stands to wreck your emotional health. Remember: a healthy relationship with a coworker or friend will respect your ability to say no and position on an issue.
Create boundaries
“How can we expect people to put value on our work when we don’t value ourselves enough to set and hold uncomfortable boundaries?” Brené Brown
Setting boundaries is a natural, healthy part in any type of relationship. It allows us to understand what we tolerate as well as what we are willing to accept. If we don’t set strong boundaries, we might find ourselves saying ‘yes’ too frequently, causing the relationship to be largely one-sided.
This can lead to feelings of resentment when the tasks aren’t repaid in kind. Start small and ask yourself what is realistic. Maybe this is saying no to taking on extra projects or staying late after work? Maybe this is putting yourself first and championing for your mental health.
Regardless, setting boundaries will look differently for everyone, but if you’re unsure, check in with your inner voice and see what it is telling you.