This Is What Creates A Good Marriage, According To These Couples
What constitutes a good marriage? If you are someone who is contemplating getting married, you might be asking yourself this exact thing. How do you make a relationship last? After all, according to recent [studies][2], the divorce rate for a married couple in the United States is almost 50%. It may seem that the odds of a happy marriage are stacked against you. However, while marriage today may look different than when your parents married—and even more different than when your grandparents married—don’t let that statistic scare you!
We interviewed more than 20 married couples—many of whom have been married for more than 20 years—about what they felt was the key to success when it came to living a long, happily married life. This marriage advice ranges from communication to individualism to, you guessed it, sex. Whether you are newlyweds or planning the next step in your relationship, find out below what married couples say makes a good marriage.
Married Under 5 years
Eva & JP met at a Disneyland internship and have a 24 year age gap.
“You have to communicate. No one can just guess how you feel or what you want unless you tell them. It will save you a lot of headaches and disappointment. You have to wake up and choose each other every day. If you’re too focused on yourself, your career, or anything else, things will start to fall apart. Always say “I love you” and kiss your spouse when one of you is leaving to go somewhere (like work, the grocery store, etc) because you never know when will be the last time.
Do nice things for each other. Make their lunch, pick up the slack on chores if your spouse is busier than you are, make their favorite dessert just because, etc. Lastly, you have to travel together. There is no better way to bond (in my opinion) than by going on a vacation, weekend getaway, or road trip. We went on weekend getaways every couple of months the entire 3 years we were dating. They can be very cheap by the way. Most times we only spent between $250-$500. For our honeymoon we planned a 4 week road trip around Arizona, New Mexico, Utah, and Colorado. Due to COVID-19 it was cut to 3 weeks, but it was still amazing! In our first year of marriage we spent 12 weeks road tripping together. That’s how you’ll know you love each other!” - Eva, married 1 year.
Joseph and Jessica met a Barnes & Noble bookstore. Got engaged, broke up, and got engaged again!
““Our biggest piece of marriage advice is to remain communicative and patient with one another. Distance almost always occurs between spouses when one or both are not adequately communicating, whether it pertains to feelings, finances, medical conditions, etc. You name it. Simply avoiding communication can lead to marital ruin fairly quickly. Also, as cliche as it sounds, patience is truly a virtue that should be upheld by spouses. If your spouse doesn’t quite understand what you’re communicating and/or makes a mistake, don’t be so quick to berate the other person. Give the person a chance to correct the offense. Better yet, if your spouse made the mistake due to confusion, then help with ensuring both of you understand each other clearly. As we have learned and are still reminded at times, both proper communication and patience can help a marriage go a long way. “”
“On our wedding day, nearly 3 years ago, I travelled with my Dad, which was one of my favorite moments of the day – some calm before the madness with the first man I loved. Before we arrived at the venue, he turned and told me “the key to a successful marriage is to take some time every day and dedicate it to each other”. I think he felt a lot of pressure to impart some solid wisdom, as the one piece of advice he was given on his wedding day was “always take your ring off when cleaning the dishes!” We took this advice to heart (the one from him, not to him!)
Now, every day, we start the day together with a cup of coffee. During this time we don’t talk about work and don’t look at our phones or the TV. Instead, we take this time just to talk and, most importantly, to listen. Doing this first thing in the morning sets us up for the day and is something I would never change.” - Katie Woodburn-Simmonds, married 3 years.
Grew up together and connected 10 years after high school. Full-time travel family with a 2-year old son.
“The best advice I can give is to have fun with one another. As you could imagine, we spend a lot of time together, as a full-time travel family. Since we spend so much time together, things can get a little stale in terms of excitement. To combat boredom, we have fun together doing random things.
The other day we spent the night coloring and telling funny childhood stories. It was fun to hang out and do something as simple as coloring and talking to one another. Some days we have sandcastle contents (that she takes too seriously), but it is a lot of fun. Taking the time to have fun with one another helps maintain and builds our friendship, which helps sustain us through difficult times.” —Corritta, married 3 years
“Marriage is not about being perfect "on paper." Every relationship is different. I rarely cook, but my husband is okay with that, because I'm the person he can come home to every night and laugh, cry, and dream with. And to him, that beats a freshly baked ham on the table every night. Don't worry about fitting into some mold of a spouse you see in the media or in fairy tales. This isn't the 1950's. Be the best partner for the person you are with. Every relationship is different and requires different needs. Never use someone’s pain or past trauma against them in a heated moment.
If your significant other shares something with you from their past, never ever bring it up as a way to make them feel bad in a spat. They will never forget how you made them feel in that moment. Your job as a partner is to make your partner feel great always. If the person that's supposed to be their confidant makes them feel like…then how are they supposed to ever trust you to be vulnerable again? That's how communication begins to break down. When I met my husband, I wasn’t looking for some perfect prototype of a man (ie: tall, dark, handsome, rich, doctor, etc...)
When we met, we both were pursuing our dream careers but both had very long ways to go to get there. We made a promise to each other that we would grow and build our lives and wealth together. We met in our mid 20's when we were both broke and both living with our parents still. Now, 10 years later, with lots of love, patience and commitment to each other, we just bought our beautiful dream home, have all the material things we want in life and are thriving in our careers. But most importantly, our love has grown for one another exponentially, because we did it together.” - Daisy Hobbs, married 3 years
Married 5-10 years
Nikki and her husband met in 2003, 10th grade, dated briefly before breaking up. They reconnected in 2010 and were married two years later. They now have three kids together.
““We got a lot of marriage advice when we got married. But the one thing I’ve learned that I didn’t hear anyone ever say is that marriage isn’t 50/50. There are days when I’m giving more and days when he gives more. Some days you have to pick up your partner’s slack and they do the same for you. We are always there to carry each other if we need it. We haven’t always been great communicators. We have worked on it everyday of our marriage. Even if the topic isn’t a fun one. We talk about it. We’ve learned communicating helps keep a lot of frustration from unmet expectations away. Marriage is a lot of work and you have to work at it daily.” ”
Linda and her husband met in 2009 while she was traveling solo in Mabul. A chance meeting 5 years later allowed them to connect again and they got married after 5 1/2 months of dating.
“There is a lot I have learned about marriage, combining cultures and lives, but a small thing multiple people comment on is how we say please and thank you to each other. (I never noticed until it was pointed out.) It is a little thing - but I think with marriage the best piece of advice I have is -- it is 100% all about the little things.” Linda, married 10 years
Married 10+ Years
Met at school and have been together since 2002.
“We have a very special bond because we have become adults together. We had the hardships of studying, finding work, leaving home, trying to fit into a volatile world etc. and so we grew together and had the same problems at around the same time, so we were able to help each other through these tough times. My advice to anyone who is married after growing up with someone for so long is to remember the individual you first fell in love with.
Just because you are now married, doesn't mean you are one unit. You are individuals who have chosen to share a life together. Do not forget and don't let your partner forget who they/you are and what made them the person you fell in love with. That unique individualism must remain in order to keep the partnership strong. Have a life away from your partner, spend time with your friends and have hobbies like you used to. It is very important.” — Shaun Taylor, married 11 years
Carrie & Louis met in 1997 while working for Blue Man Group. Between their reunion in 2005, they had been married and divorced, and had gone through major soul searching.
“Our communication was always strong and built on mutual respect and acceptance. By 2006 we were engaged and married in 2007. In 2009, we had our first son and in 2013, our second son was born. We have certainly had our ups and downs during the 13 years we have been together. But through it all, our communication has kept us moving through the challenging times and celebrating the great times. Open-hearted, honest communication can be challenging. It requires a level of vulnerability and a willingness to put ourselves out there with transparency.
But time after time, I find that I ALWAYS feel better after I express myself. We both have a fundamental belief that we are in each other’s life for self-growth and evolvement. Therefore, if something the other person says triggers us (makes us angry or upset), we don’t blame them or ask them to be different. We go into our own process of introspection.. We ask, “What does this trigger in me?” “What am I wanting to look at/heal?”
We practice open-hearted listening. We strive to listen fully without judgement. Do we always succeed? No. But then we realize that we have more inner work to do. We have a shared vision for our individual selves and ourselves as a couple. This means that we support each other’s dreams and we call each other out (with love and respect) when we are letting fear take over.” Carrie Jeroslow, married 13 years
Kareena and her husband met in high school and became great friends that turned into lifetime partners. They have two wonderful children.
““The most helpful advice that was given to me when I got engaged to my husband was to never compare our marriage to others. As individuals, we were all created differently with different purposes in life. This falls true with our marriages. Each marriage was created with different hearts on different journeys. Over the years, we were told numerous times that we have a beautiful family, and we were so lucky to have such a strong marriage. Because we never looked at other marriages with feelings of superiority or thoughts of inferiority, we were able to focus on our own relationship to build our special foundation and invest in us until we created our unique union we have today.””
“My husband Danny and I have been married over 18 years, and we’ve been through a LOT of ups and downs. Through it all, what keeps us strong as a couple is laughter. Every day, and even multiple times a day, if possible. Whether it’s sharing funny memes, laughing at something our pets or son does, or watching a comedy, I can say without a doubt that the days we laugh together are GOOD days, even if they weren’t the best days in other ways. Laughing together reminds us that at the heart of our relationship is friendship. And fun. And that we enjoy each other’s company after all of these years.” - Jen, married 18 years
Married 20+ Years
She and her husband met on Match.com in 1999, and are considered Match.com's oldest still-married couple!
“We met and married in 6 months, so we got to know each other during our first year of marriage. In that first year, we would often fight over a certain issue cyclically, and we could never seem to resolve the fight. After a while, we went to therapy, and the therapist said everyone has "childhood wounds.” In my case, because of how I was raised, I prized loyalty in every facet of life and expected 100% from my husband. Because of how Brian was raised, he was the peacekeeper of the family. That was super important to him.
We quickly realized all our fights devolved to these issues: I wanted him to be 100% loyal to me above all others including his family, and Brian wanted to keep the peace at any cost. Once we realized that's where our issues stemmed, we learned how to try to navigate these wounds so we could get our needs met yet not exacerbate these wounds. I can actually say we never really fought ever again, since we understand the bedrock of our issues. So, I would advise couples from the get-go to uncover "childhood wounds" in order to mitigate future misunderstandings. Also, the book "The 5 Love Languages" is a book we refer to even 20 years after we first read it together!” - Christina, married 21 years
“We are an interracial, intercultural, interfaith couple. We will have been married 22 years as of January 19, and have three kids (all of whom are currently stuck at home with us due to the pandemic). Never compromise. When you compromise, two people are unhappy. When you don't compromise, one person is happy. The person who wants it more, wins.” —Alina Adams, married 22 years
Damon and his wife met at a local ministry.
“Beyond a shadow of a doubt, our union is definitely divine. Let's just say I almost chose to marry the wrong person, but as fate would have it, I ended up with my true soul-mate. I have lots of advice to offer that will enable married couples to enjoy a good marriage . However, I want to share two main tips here. 1. Maintain the “Like Factor.” As a formality, most of us love our spouses. In essence, we don't want to see them disrespected, hurt, or harmed. But, what I am referring to is truly being fond of and admiring your significant other.
To add, it means remaining boyfriend/girlfriend throughout the entire marriage. You do this by going on dates, displaying affection in public, flirting, holding hands, and simply doting on each other all the time. 2. Remain in the wooing mode. Often, after couples have been together for a long time, they become too comfortable and secure, whereas they stop being concerned about their appearance, and they stop valuing the time spent with their spouse. Regardless of how long you have been together, vie for your partner’s attention/affection; maintain your physical appearance; and finally, win him/her all over again like you once did.”—Damon, married for 24 years
Brian and Nikki met at 21, playing darts in a bar. She says, “For us, marriage was just a formality to be able to combine our households, share insurance, and eliminate the terms boyfriend and girlfriend. When you get close to 30 and you introduce your long-term other half as "boyfriend" it's cringe-worthy.”
“Here's my advice: Don't tie the knot until you are five years in. In a five-year span, you will experience the good, the bad, and the ugly. And you will have passed all honeymoon phases. If you still enjoy their company, if you still find them attractive, if you still love them—then do it. Life is too short to argue about things that are only important to you.. For example, I used to nag Brian about putting his boxer shorts in the laundry basket.
Eventually, it dawned on me that if this bothered me so much it was easier to pick them up and put them in the basket than it is to nag or argue about it. Both of us have made compromises like this and it's crucial. We all have quirks and imperfections that drive others nuts. Deal with them, it's not the end of the world. Have separate interests and spend time apart.
Brian golfs—I hate it. I shop; I scrapbook. I go to the beach, the theater—Brian hates all of these. We do lots of things together but there's plenty that we do not. When couples intertwine every aspect of their lives they lose their own identity in the process. And, then your happiness is dependent on someone else.
““This one controversial and most will disagree. Don’t have children. Be selfish and focus on yourselves. No one ever said that it’s mandatory to procreate yet all assume this. We agreed early on that we did not want the responsibility nor the financial stress of raising children. This is largely how we have lived the life we have. We travel constantly and it’s a priority for us. We could not have done this with kids!””
Steve met his wife in 1994 at a Halloween party after graduating from college.
“If you ask us, we still think we are a couple of kids, how the heck did this happen? One of the keys to a good marriage is compromise. If you watch "Stranger Things", Hopper describes "Compromise" as "halfway happy" to El. I don't think of it as "halfway happy". Marriage is definitely not a one-way street. You both have to be unselfish and support each other.
My wife and I have been to hell and back, we are raising two teenagers! It's not easy. Sometimes you just have to put your ego aside and take one for the team, or the greater good. I think the key is you can't be selfish. It's taken me a LONG time to learn that. Thankfully my wife is patient and forgiving.” —Steve Morrow, married 25 years
Paige and her husband have been friends for 35 years and together for 33 years. They met Paige’s last year of college when he was in grad school and they have been through 3 cross country moves, losing and changing jobs, starting companies, losing 7 close family members in 6 years including both sets of our parents and a sibling, settling multiple estates, several health scares and now COVID-19.
“I always say the secret to a happy marriage is separate bathrooms! We have always had separate bathrooms from day 1 when we moved in together. I am a slob and he is a neatnik. I splash water & shed hair everywhere and it drives him crazy. Mine has a shower only and he likes a tub. I keep the heater on when I am showering & putting on makeup he likes his cool. For us it just really makes sense and it is a fight we just never have to have. We would never get a place with only one bathroom. No way, no how.” Paige Arnof-Fenn, married 28 years
Beth and her husband were good friends and drinking buddies before deciding to date.
“What makes our marriage good? It's pretty simple. It's simply the art of conversation. We talk. A lot! We talk about our jobs and help each other solve problems - there's a lot of trust and vulnerability in him asking my advice about a work issue. I find that sexy.
We talk about our adult children and what's happening in their lives, we talk about our friends and what they're experiencing and there's certainly no shortage of news to talk about these days. We've driven cross-country a few times and I actually look forward to it because there's not much to do in the car except have great, deep conversations” Beth Graham, married 31 years
Jill met her husband in college when he came up and said, “I hear you lead a Bible study—can I join?”
““My best advice is something I determined myself after spending several years listening to other women in the workplace talk about their husbands: Never criticize/complain about your spouse in public. It didn’t make those women happier in their marriages—it made them unhappier to say the things they did. It destroys trust in a marriage, because exposing your spouse to ridicule, even as a “joke,” is a betrayal. Of course, this doesn’t apply to a spouse who is potentially abusive—tell people about that, please! Minor jokes can create camaraderie at work. But stay away from the ones designed to make fun of your spouse.” ”
“I’ve been married 7 times – to the same man – each time for just five years. My advice is to walk – no, run – from the “‘til death do you part” traditional marriage. It doesn’t seem to work for very many people and cheats most couples out of the thing they want most: the emotional safety and true intimacy of a marriage partnership.Backstory: I grew up with old-school Italian parents and was a classic “good girl”…until a broken engagement helped me see the light. After that I spent several years focused on leaving the “good girl” behind and becoming an independent woman. At the same time I watched my fun girlfriends marry and have kids and turn into wives – some happy-ish, some not.
By the time I met Joseph, I had a decent job, owned a house, and decided I didn’t want what my girlfriends had. I wasn’t interested in giving up my personal power just to be married. I was happy, but also wanted a partner to travel with through life.Joseph and I dated for a little over a year when he said he wanted us to get married. That first time I changed the subject by suggesting we buy a house and live together. Joseph agreed, and that’s what we did.I thought we were fine, but he didn’t. A year unto cohabitation, when I asked Joseph what he wanted for his upcoming birthday, he said he wanted to get married. I thought, “Still???” I asked him if a watch would do instead, but marriage was what he wanted.
I told me I’d have to think about it, but it wasn’t what I wanted. I also didn’t want to live without him.For a few weeks, I thought, prayed, walked, and meditated. One day I got an idea…and told Joseph I would marry him for five years, After that, if we still liked each other, we could get married again – for five years.For whatever reason, Joseph agreed. We were married for the first time six weeks later, in September1988. Since then we have continued to marry - for just five years. At the end of five years, we review and evaluate. If we still like each other enough to stay together – and so far we have – we reconfigure our marriage for the next five years, including our goals and expectations. We also make new agreements or renegotiate outdated ones.
Once all that is worked out, we “spiritually” end our marriage and start a new one. It’s not a renewal of any kind, but a new partnership based on new understandings that reflect our life. During the pandemic, Joseph and I celebrated the 2nd anniversary of our 7th marriage. The thing that’s surprised me the most over time is how every marriage is different. It took until the end of Marriage #5 to understand. During that marriage, both our mothers died during that marriage and we saw our futures very differently.
We changed personally and those changed how we saw the world, our lives and the future. Those individual changes changed the partnership.Our five-year marriage is – like all marriages – a mix of good and bad, highs and lows. Yet, because we never feel confined or stuck, the love is allowed to change over time. In today's so-fast changing world, traditional marriage is obsolete. It's not good for the partners, their children, or society.” — Annmarie Kelly, married 36 years
Married Over 40 Years
Andrea and her husband (who is 14 years older than her!) got married when she was 18.
“I believe our marriage has lasted these many decades because we have found that delicate balance between finding things we enjoy doing together and respecting that time alone is important to keeping a marriage healthy as well. We enjoy cooking together, traveling and wine tasting. My husband's hobby is car racing which I have no interest in. He goes to his races for the weekend and I go shopping or on a solo trip.” —Andrea Tran, married 41 years
““We have been happily married for 41 years.. The best advice is to give your spouse your undivided attention whenever you possibly can. If you are not multitasking, your partner feels valued, and your relationship remains exciting. It will feel like you are on a first date forever.””
Silvana met her husband while she was leading a children’s choir at church. As she says, “I also led the 150 kids in the second verse where we sang about being a monkey in a tree and scratching our fleas. I guess he was interested in someone that could enthusiastically scratch fleas.” They have two daughters and have even appeared on the FOX reality show, Trading Spouses.
“We set up a “ground rule” when we were first married. We said if there was a disagreement, whoever was the most “passionate” about their point of view, got to have things their way. Somehow it works, although there have been few times when we used that ground rule. Mostly it involves something simple like going to buy a new couch. Whoever likes one couch the most…that’s the one we buy!
The other ground rule we set up was that we could spend money under $500.00 any way we wanted. But if we wanted to buy something over $500.00 we just had to let the other person know. Not ask permission, but simply inform them. We thought that would be a good rule, but have never used it!” — Silvana Clark, married 43 years
Carol and her husband met while both serving in the United States Air Force.
“ ‘Never go to sleep angry’ was one of the quotes I heard when my husband and I got married over 47 years ago. Whether married one year, twenty years, or close to forty-eight, I believe its important to do stuff that keep your marriage fresh. As such, I am constantly thinking of things we can do toward that goal. This includes planning trips, locally and outside the US, where he doesn’t know where we are going until we get to the airport.
We frequently enjoy date nights (before Covid). We've celebrated Wednesdays or "Hump" day by eating a simple meal in our dining room, complete with good dishes, candles and 'dinner' theater. (Our 18 pounds of fluff kitty rolling on his back and meowing happily, while hoping a stray crumb falls his way). Celebrating milestones, a promotion, birthday and anniversaries are equally important to me.
Once unable to go out to celebrate our anniversary due to illnesses (my husband's) or bad weather, we slept in our guest room, which is decorated with treasures from serving overseas, including a bright red, capiz shell lamp. With an ensuite bathroom, tv, candles etc, it was like spending the night in a lovely hotel.
Not a talker, my husband shows his love by periodically having my car washed and detailed. Putting air in my tires. And, because I adore lottery scratchers, he buys them for me and hides them all over the house for me to find. He puts a lot of thought into hiding them. I’ve found them in the bed, in my underwear drawer, under a plate after a meal. And no, we have never gone to bed angry.” —Carol Gee, married 47 years
What advice would you give to newlyweds?