Mindfulness & Meditation: Tools in my OCD Recovery Toolbox
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When you think of meditation and mindfulness, what comes to mind? You might think of chanting an affirmation to yourself, bringing your hands together at your chest with eyes clothes, calming meditation music, or just overall aiming to have a calm mind. While these can be facets of meditation and mindfulness, it’s also a skill that is majorly helpful with helping those with OCD.
My first memory of being introduced to mindfulness was when I was 19-years old. I saw a therapist for the first time in my adulthood and told him about my anxiety and panic attacks. He said, “Next time you feel a panic attack coming on, go the freezer, grab an ice cube, hold it in your hands, and focus on the sensation of it until it melts all the way.”
He suggested having Hot Tamales on hand if I didn’t have an ice cube to hold. I didn’t know at the time that this was a mindfulness practice he was introducing me to because, to be honest, I rolled my eyes at it. I switched therapists and was insistent I wasn’t interested in that “mindfulness crap,” and that I wanted to work on something else.
I’ve been using my Headspace app to meditate for 5 minutes daily. I sit cross-legged on my couch and notice my inhale and exhale, place my hand on my stomach to notice the rhythm of my breath and let my thoughts pass without judgment. How did I get from rolling my eyes to a mindfulness practice to meditating in the mornings?
In June, I was diagnosed with OCD. I’ve had anxiety and panic attacks for most of my life, but I was starting to really notice some compulsive behaviors over the last couple of years. First, my therapist suggested I seek out an OCD-specific program, then I had a friend encourage me to seek out some OCD-specific care. I had always had a hunch that it was something I needed to look into, but OCD is so stigmatized, and there is so much misinformation about what it looks like, that I thought I was just overreacting. Turns out, I wasn’t.
Once I got diagnosed and started medication, I sought out a therapist who could help me with managing my compulsions and anxiety around my obsessions. She suggested that one of the things to try could be meditation. I felt myself shudder with frustration because I was not interested in ice cubes or Hot Tamale practices.
But, I’m in the business of keeping an open mind when it comes to healing and it had been years since that first introduction to mindfulness, so I thought—let’s try.
She carried me through a meditation about being safe in my body. She asked me to think about a place where I could be safe, where my fears and obsessions could not reach me. I picked the front porch of a cabin in the mountains on a crisp fall morning. She told me to notice when a thought came and just let it pass by like a stranger strolling by to say hello. I waved and let it pass on by without judgment.
When we finished the meditation, I felt tension all throughout my body. She told me this is normal, because, as a person who dissociates, when you start to be in your body more, you can begin to notice all that has accumulated over time.
““OCD is misunderstood in a myriad of ways. A lot of people reduce it down to contamination fears and repeated behaviors. While it can be that, it is so much more and it is a serious mental health condition that is highly stigmatized. “”
OCD is misunderstood in a myriad of ways. A lot of people reduce it down to contamination fears and repeated behaviors. While it can be that, it is so much more and it is a serious mental health condition that is highly stigmatized. One of the first lines of treatment for OCD is Exposure Response Prevention (knows as ERP). In a nutshell, ERP asks people with OCD to confront their fears and anxieties and resist their compulsions with the help of a trained therapist.
I’m still very much in the thick of my OCD recovery and am taking it very slowly because my diagnosis is so new and I’m working through other traumas right now. Despite my first impression of mindfulness, it is now a large part of my trauma recovery.
When I make my coffee in the morning, I let myself fully experience the sound of the coffee grinding, the smell of the grounds blooming in the filter, the sound of the drips of coffee hitting the bottom of the decanter. Teaching myself to be in the present has been vital in my healing process.
I’ve really only been able to do mindfulness practices in small situations like making coffee or going on walks and noticing my surroundings. It’s been really hard for me to be mindful in my body. So much of my OCD compulsions have to do with feeling unsafe in my body, so when I brought this up with my therapist, we did the meditation and brought myself to the mountains.
Despite the tension I felt afterward, I knew it was something I wanted to practice. OCD recovery is learning to be okay with the uncertainty and sitting in the discomfort. It’s noticing your thoughts pass by without judgment, without assigning them good, bad, scary, true, bad, etc. Your thoughts just are.
““Something about OCD recovery is learning to be okay in the uncertainty, learning to sit in the discomfort. It’s being able to notice your thoughts pass by without judgment, without assigning them good, bad, scary, true, bad, etc. Your thoughts just are.””
So why am I meditating now? How is that helping my OCD? Mindfulness was great to get me to stay in the present, which is something that is especially hard with my OCD. The next step for me is to look at my intrusive thoughts or thoughts related to my fears and look at them and say, “Hey, okay. I see you. You are here. You can be here.”
Meditation has allowed me to show up to my thoughts with neutrality, compassion, and a sense that I understand that my compulsions are trying to keep me safe, but I have the tools and resources to keep myself safe in a way that my compulsions don’t. My compulsions are unreliable and keep me in anxiety. Meditating and watching these thoughts pass by without judgment, calming my nervous system, and stimulating my vagus nerve has been one major step in my OCD recovery.
The vagus nerve is the most influential nerve in our parasympathetic nervous system. Our nervous system activates our fight/flight/freeze response. However, if there isn’t a real threat, then we need to recruit our parasympathetic nervous system. This helps us calm down. Our vagus nerve almost acts as our body’s reset button.
Similar to the ice cubes and Hot Tamales, my therapist suggested when I am in the thick of my anxiety or compulsions, dip my face in a bowl of cold water or take a shower to stimulate my vagus nerve. I’ve opted to press a cold pack on my chest and take some deep breaths when I am in the thick of it. It’s funny how I have returned to mindfulness after all these years. I have integrated a regular practice into my routine.
This isn’t to say that my OCD is totally under control just by meditating. In fact, it’s actually one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and I’m still learning how to utilize this tool among all the others needed in my recovery. I have noticed the difference in my mindset, though. I’m able to slow myself down in a way I wasn’t able to before I started meditating.
Even if I can’t stop and meditate when I’m performing a compulsion or ruminating, there are times I can stop and notice my thoughts without judgment, come back to the present, and start to feel safe again. This is growth.
““Even if I can’t stop and meditate when I’m performing a compulsion or ruminating, there are times I can stop and notice my thoughts without judgment, come back to the present, and start to feel safe again. This is growth.””
You don’t have to be going through OCD recovery to practice meditation and mindfulness. We all have a vagus nerve and nervous system that gets activated, and having the tools to bring ourselves back to the present is something we can all use some practice in.
So whether or not you are learning how to navigate an OCD diagnosis and bring yourself back to the present, or are just trying to slow your thoughts down on a hectic day, meditating can be an excellent tool for anyone’s toolbox. You just have to be patient and give it a try.
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