Self-Pleasure Changed My Relationship To My Body
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When we think of sex, pleasure, and intimacy, we often think of other people. But self-pleasure (also called solo-pleasure or solo-sex) is a great way to strengthen your relationship with yourself. Over the past couple of years, I have allowed myself to let go of the shame that so many associate with masturbation and have leaned into it as a tool for self-care and exploration.
Why is Masturbation Important?
There can be many benefits to masturbation. For some, it can be a stress-reliever or a helpful way to fall asleep. Masturbation may even be useful to improve their own sex life with others. However, as someone with a chronic illness, vaginismus, and sexual trauma, it was even more important for me to explore self-pleasure as a way to get to know myself.
How Does Masturbation Help My Chronic Illness?
When I first started exploring self-pleasure as a way of healing and self-care, it was scary. I had spent a long time not only feeling shame around masturbation, but also feeling scared of my body because of how much pain it is always in. I honestly wasn’t sure I could experience pleasure anymore; I hadn’t spent a whole lot of time with my body in this intimate way since the pain from my chronic illness has made pleasure such a stranger to me.
Masturbation helped me realize that not only is pleasure possible for me, but it is something I can experience by myself—without a partner. Self-pleasure allows me to take control of my own pleasure and find ways to give my body relief. In fact, if I am having a particularly bad flare, I can turn to self-pleasure as a way to feel better and regain a sense of control over my chronic pain.
How Does Masturbation Help My Vaginismus?
With vaginismus—a condition where the pelvic floor muscle contracts upon penetration—I have to use self-pleasure in order to explore my own boundaries of what feels good. When I am able to touch myself, I am then later able to tell my partner what feels good and how I like to be touched.
““When I can practice the techniques with myself...I can translate that to my partner easier...In many ways, the intimacy with myself helps improve the intimacy in my relationship.””
When I visit my pelvic floor physical therapist, I am taught all of the different ways to massage and stretch my muscles, and I have to come back and practice those at home. When I can practice the techniques with myself and get the hang of the way my body feels, I can translate that to my partner easier. It also helps me maintain an understanding of how my condition is improving. In many ways, the intimacy with myself helps improve the intimacy in my relationship.
How Has My Relationship to My Body Changed?
Being intimate with myself and understanding what feels good means that I have to touch every part of myself. I have to speak kindly to myself, practice self-compassion when coming across parts of my body I have a complicated relationship with, and pivot my inner narrative toward kindness. Giving myself pleasure and being mean to myself cannot happen at the same time, so this was the perfect place to practice it.
““Giving myself pleasure and being mean to myself cannot happen at the same time...””
As I became more comfortable saying kind and tender things about my body during self-pleasure, I was more easily able to translate those types of thoughts into my every day life, such as the pleasure and satisfaction I was giving myself when I was eating, getting dressed, or just looking in the mirror. Being able to look at my body with a kinder lens has helped me feel more confident, powerful, and beautiful.
What If I Feel Guilty After Masturbating?
If you are feeling guilt, there are likely external narratives that you have internalized surrounding masturbation that will take some time to unlearn. I know that it sounds counterintuitive, but self-pleasure can help us unlearn a lot of the shameful narratives we have about sex. It takes practice to know that pleasure is something that we inherently deserve to experience and that there are so many different ways to achieve that.
““...it sounds counterintuitive, but self-pleasure can help us unlearn a lot of the shameful narratives we have about sex. It takes practice to know that pleasure is something that we inherently deserve to experience.””
It helps us learn that there is more to sex than just orgasming. Masturbation can help us be more mindful when we are intimate with both ourselves and with our partner. This guilt can be unlearned and, quite frankly, is a symptom of a larger systemic issue of our society’s habit of demonizing sex. Pleasure is good and is something you deserve to experience.
How Do I Practice Mindful Masturbation?
When I got further into my self-pleasure journey and learned more about how to be present with myself, I learned about mindful masturbation. With mindful masturbation, you engage your entire body and all of your senses. Through this process, you can feel more grounded in your body and know what feelings come up when you experience different sensations.
It’s important to know that this can be heavy work and we all have our own experiences with sex and pleasure. (If you have triggers that come up, make sure you consult a mental health professional, if needed.)
An easy way to start the process of mindful masturbation is by using your hands instead of a toy. This will allow you to know what your body feels like and to communicate with yourself more clearly. Allow yourself to be curious about what feels good and what doesn’t, and allow yourself to linger a little longer in what does. Notice what feelings and emotions come up. Don’t judge them; just allow them to pass. Don’t be afraid to try new things. If your mind wanders, just gently bring yourself back to your body.
While everyone’s experience surrounding this practice is unique, self-pleasure can be one of the first steps in reclaiming our relationship to our bodies. It can come with many complicated emotions—as well as many mental hurdles to overcome—but the best thing I ever did for myself was to remember that during this journey, I can be gentle.
““While everyone’s experience surrounding this practice is unique, self-pleasure can be one of the first steps in reclaiming our relationship to our bodies. It can come with many complicated emotions—as well as many mental hurdles to overcome—but the best thing I ever did for myself was to remember that during this journey, I can be gentle.””
Once I removed the pressure to “finish” and just allowed myself to enjoy the journey of getting to know myself in a more intimate way, my relationship to myself and my body changed forever. I became a different person when I started practicing self-pleasure on a more regular basis, and now it’s just another important aspect of my overall self-care regimen. Sexual wellness is wellness, too!
What Are Toys I Can Use For Self-pleasure?
There are so many different kinds of toys for everyone. But, remember: you do not need a toy. Your own hands are such a powerful tool for pleasure. But, if you are wanting to turn it up a notch, these are my top three sex toys to check out:
Good for Beginners: Maude Vibe, vibrator with 3 gentle vibration speeds
Kick It Up a Notch: Bellessa x BuzzFeed AirVibe, dual stimulation including vibration and suction
Take it Slow: Wellness 4-piece Dilator Kit: for those with vaginismus or any other vaginal pain, consider starting with a dilator kit to ease into penetration.